rearview perspectives

The older I get, the more I realize I don't really know who I am.

I look inside me, and I still feel like the same person I was when I was little and coloring at the dining room table. I see the same person playing at recess in fifth grade. I see the same person who chose friends who didn't care in middle school. I see the same person who gave her heart to people who didn't see it as a gift in high school. I see someone who is still frantically trying to figure it out, and who keeps hiding when I'm seeking.

The best views sometimes are the ones in our rearview mirror. We can see where we just were, and those glimpses into the past tell us much more about ourselves than those in front of us. Each choice we make is a result of the past, and that makes it even harder to make the best decisions that go against all of who we are and what we've been.

The craziest thing is that I feel the most like Heather when I'm with Birdy. She doesn't know who I was, or my past struggles, the bad decisions. She sees my smiling face and all she feels and sees is love. I think that is the best gift of motherhood. You finally have the chance to change who you are and your life's trajectory with a clean slate. Once and for all, you can be the best person inside of you, because that little person sees you that way. It makes me okay with not knowing myself, because, at last, I'm discovering it right along with her.